The title here refers to what’s going on in my head; it is not a prophecy about the amount of laundry we will be doing once the guest house opens.
On Friday at 7.30am we met with our accountant, and at 6pm that evening – after a manic day’s work – we met with our brand/web designer. Around 8pm Danny and I had a heated debate about on-peak and off-peak timings, and after a brief appearance at a birthday / Halloween party I excused myself to lie on my sofa with a stress induced belly ache, attempting to get some peace in my head by watching mind-numbingly bad Friday night television.
I suspect that what’s happened is that this process has morphed from a linear like form to something less tangible. After all, taking one step at a time is fine if you know what the next step is. When there are a number of steps to take, and they can all be taken at the same time and require the same amount of energy it’s difficult to know in which direction to turn. I am also finding that whatever I do ends up leading to additional (mini) to do’s, all of which take me further away from the initial choice and all the other things I have to remember to go back to.
Being absolutely paranoid that I will forget the one thing that is holding this project together even my lists have lists…. and they are everywhere. Everytime I switch on my computer at work or at home, open any one of my 3 email accounts, look at my diary, and find random bits of scrap paper, I am finding more lists.
I am also continually frustrated that I can’t do everything to completion. I can’t just remember to cancel my TV license, or inform the council that I’m moving. I have to remember it once, do the first thing, I then have to remember it again, and follow up once I have more information at my disposal or once someone has got back to me.
Then there’s the ‘to do’ list that isn’t urgent because it’s not about us moving out of our two flats, it is however vital if we are going to be able to market the guest house properly and not go bankrupt in the first year; and EVERYTHING – I mean EVERYTHING has an additional cost associated with it. We can’t possibly account for every single cost we are going to encounter, and everywhere we turn there seems to be more of the little blighters.
I wonder if this blog sounds like the inside of my head – disorderly, inarticulate, travelling at around 200 m.p.h, and leaping from one thought to another in the space of 15 seconds.
On Saturday, in order to address this problem, I attempted to practice some meditation. I spent 15 minutes sitting on my sofa listening to some woman, with an incredibly soft and calm voice, talking me through how to cope with change. I am to ‘let it flow through me’ apparently.
After 15 minutes I had written another to do list.
By Sunday night Danny was talking me down off the ledge (opposites really do attract) while we sat in my flat surrounded by boxes. He had to remind me (more than once, I’m ashamed to admit) how exciting it is that we’re moving to the opposite end of the country, and that all this craziness will be worth it in the long run.
Today I’m trying not to engage with lists and all things crazy, and am focusing on the only real to-do list that’s absolutely necessary: (1) BREATHE (2) EAT (3)SLEEP; everything else is a bonus.