My usually optimistic, enthusiastic, nature is taking a battering. There are only so many ups and downs one person can go through before losing the ability to swing back. Like a pendulum slowing down my highs just aren’t reaching the heights they were.
The momentum which this project had a few weeks ago is slowing down like a bunny without a Duracell.
Two weeks ago you read about how I was struggling to focus on the next thing because I was so excited about everything else; and now I’m in the complete opposite place. I can’t focus on anything but the next thing, as I’m so unconvinced that anything else is actually going to happen.
I sigh and I answer the emails, and I pick up the phone and I respond to the questions; yet I do all of those things with almost zero enthusiasm and, to those of you that know me, you know that unenthusiastic is one thing I am not. The image that I have of myself is of a go-getter, a vibrant, slightly OTT, chatty activist. The image I have of Danny is of a laid back, occasionally cynical, occasionally excitable, practical, manager of things. It seems we have swapped places.
Weeks of moaning about how I am doing all the work, has resulted in him taking on all the work. He has spent the last 3 days phoning lenders, having conversations with banks, brokers and solicitors; while I have taken on the less than stressful task of staying in touch with the current proprietors in order to ensure that they don’t sell the guesthouse to anyone else. I genuinely believed that this swapping of responsibilities would help me just get on with my day job, whereas in fact I just feel less engaged, less bothered, and more accepting of the fact that this might not happen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not depressed, I just think that 2 weeks of being battered by lenders has resulted in my inevitable surrender.
I’ve stopped leaping up and down everytime someone new starts following us on Twitter, I’ve stopped checking my blog statistics every 10 minutes, and I’m not even reading Cornwall related news because I genuinely feel like we’re never going to get there. The other day I even entertained a recruitment consultant’s offer of a relatively interesting (industry related) job that he phoned me about, going so far as to send him my CV and a cover letter.
I’m not talking about sausages, room decoration, turnover, business ideas, and dog breeds that might be acceptable for a guesthouse. I’m like a tired fish who’s stopped swimming down the river, and is just drifting with the current. Everyone – friends, family, friends of family – are being incredibly supportive. I’ve had offers of money, business expertise, time and skills from so many people, all of which I am really grateful for; however I can’t help but just give them the same line “Thanks for your offer, but I’m not feeling particularly positive that it’s going to happen at the moment, so I’ll give you a call if anything changes”.
I genuinely hope something does change, and I hope that Danny has enough enthusiasm to get us both through the next week or so of yet more mortgage conversations; and I hope even more that the little spark deep inside me that still thinks we cannot lose this opportunity remains alight for just a little bit longer.